Compassion towards myself has been one of the hardest lessons that I am still learning. Compassion for me didn’t come easy because I always thought something was wrong with me and felt I needed to be fixed or be someone else other than my true self. These emotions were deep-rooted inner child issues of abandonment, codependency, lack of boundaries amongst many others on the list of life lessons that I have endured during my life thus far. In my childhood, I had experienced sexual trauma that took a toll on my life consciously and unconsciously. I no longer felt safe in my body and unconsciously created a persona to make me feel safe. It was hard for me to trust others and myself at such an early age. This persona became my defense mechanism and I carried this attitude that I would save and protect myself by not allowing anyone to get too close to me and if they were it was a codependent relationship. This later resulted in me building relationships as a teen and in my early twenties through trauma, codependent habits with family, friends, and romantic relationships.
It wasn’t until the year of 2012 where I started to become aware of a shift of awareness in my life. I was in a chapter in my life where my world was shaken up and my eyes became open to the pains that I had endured in my past and how I was carrying the trauma into my present life. This is what led me to my inner healing journey and spiritual awakening. During my own inner healing journey, I have encountered many challenges about myself and the way I felt about myself on a physical and mental level. My self-talk was horrific, and it just made my self-esteem worse and it took a toll on my confidence. It’s been a long process of being a master onion and peeling back the layers to revive, refresh, and renew my life. It’s a constant process of compassionate self-introspection, forgiveness, letting go and unconditional love. Last year I faced another blow to my self-esteem as I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew and trusted. It triggered me back to my childhood as I fought back and when the person didn’t stop, I stopped fighting. I left my body and put back on the mask of guilt, shame, and unworthiness. I repressed and suppressed my emotions as I did in childhood as if nothing happened. I blamed myself for everything that happened and lacked compassion for myself at that time. I would throw myself into work until I felt exhausted. I was in my head replaying the whole scene trying to react it out and fight back till the end, I guilted myself to the point I felt powerless for six months and didn’t say, or act on anything that would have had assisted me in my healing. I was angry, enraged, and scared. I felt humiliated, with an overwhelming fear of judgment and persecution if I said anything, or at least that’s what my mind was telling me.
I was even more embarrassed because as a coach and healer I knew that I had to do something even though I felt a piece of me was gone. I finally went to therapy and the authorities reclaim my power and start my healing process. I also decided to join a healing circle facilitated by my friend who is also a Shaman and when we would end the circle, she would say to me “Ms. Netta you need to love yourself harder and find yourself some compassion”. I would eventually get signs from the Universe such as yogi tea quotes on compassion and then one day I found an old sticky note that said “I Am Compassionate” that sign was more than a confirmation for me. Compassion is a must for our emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual health. Compassion is a necessity in this life to assist humanity to grow. When we cultivate compassion, we are honoring not only individually but collectively. Lacking compassion for yourself will show up lacking compassion for others as well. Compassion allows us to seize judgment, criticism, fear and hate that is projected on to others from within. As we rise above these actions that are birthed from fear and ignorance, we clear the space to experience our true selves and bask in our inner peace. Compassion for self can take a form such as passive which can entail a warm bubble bath with candles lit in the bathroom to the assertive form of expressing your emotions and speaking up for yourself without judgment. Compassion is giving yourself room to grow and being objective to those nasty thoughts made by that inner critic. Compassion for yourself is also standing up for yourself and saying “No”! Compassion goes hand in hand with self-love and self-respect. You must re-evaluate who and what in your life that may be inflicting harm on you and that can be self-imposed as well.
In my journey, I have cut ties with a lot of people, but I have also cut ties with my old self as. I was living as a person that no longer served a purpose in my life. I was living as this wounded child and it was taking a toll on every area of my life. My persona could no longer stay with me and I had to re-heal again and really face the parts of myself that I rejected that I thought were so-called bad and not good enough. I had to stop being my own worst critic and find the compassion to give to that wounded little girl what she needed to feel safe again. I now find every way to be compassionate even through self-discipline. I know I must give myself breaks and give myself time to write out my emotions, spend some time out but also do things for others as well that may be going through their own life challenges. The true lesson of all that I have been through is that “I am real power”. I had the power to change my life and still move forward and proceed to get support and forgive again. That was true power I forgave my perpetrator and I’ve learned to forgive myself because I did the best I could at that moment and realizing this truth for me was my first step to self-compassion. It has made tremendous shifts in my life and I have a different perspective on compassion and the role it plays in my life. Compassion is key to all forms of healing in this life. Compassion is also a state of constant forgiveness because you can empathize with people on their own journey no matter how unconscious they are about their own path in life. I’ve come to realize that even though the worst traumatic experiences in my life had nothing to do with me personally, it had everything to do with the other person and the lack of power, love, compassion, and how unconscious they were in their actions. We have all been unconscious to some or maybe all our actions but that doesn’t mean we won’t face the consequences. This is where higher learning plays its role of us learning the lessons that life has to teach us and instead of thinking life is against us it’s for us to teach us more about ourselves and the views of others. So when you think about compassion know that it is the gift of beauty we give to ourselves and others when we feel unworthy and this gift illuminates the darkness that we need to nourish with love from within.
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